Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot Read online

  CHAPTER III.

  _INTERNAL NAVIGATION.--AN UNFORTUNATE INVENTOR_.

  The village not only has a railroad running by it, but it has a canalupon which a large amount of traffic is done. There has been a gooddeal of agitation lately concerning the possibility of improvinglocomotion upon the canal, and the company offered a reward for thebest device that could be suggested in that direction. A committee wasappointed to examine and report upon the merits of the various planssubmitted. While the subject was under discussion one boat-owner,Captain Binns, made an experiment upon his own account.

  He had a pair of particularly stubborn mules to haul his boat, andit occurred to him that he might devise some scientific method ofinducing the said mules to move whenever they were inclined to bebaulky. Both mules had phlegmatic temperaments; and when they made uptheir minds to stop, they would do so and refuse to go, no matter withwhat vigor the boy applied the whip. Captain Binns therefore bought atow-line made of three strands of galvanized wire; and placing ironcollars upon the necks of the mules, he fastened the wire to them, andthen he got a very strong galvanic battery and put it in the cabinof the boat, attaching it to the other end of the line, forming acircuit.

  A PERPLEXED MULE]

  The first time the mules stopped to reflect, the captain sent a strongcurrent through the wire. The leading mule gave a little start ofastonishment, and then it looked around at the boy upon the tow-pathwith a mournful smile that seemed to say, "Sonny, I would like to knowhow you worked that?" But the mules stood still. Then the captainturned a stronger current on, and the mule shied a little and lookedhard at the boy, who was sitting by whittling a stick. The captainsent another shock through the line, and then the mule, convincedthat that boy was somehow responsible for the mysterious occurrence,reached over, seized the boy's jacket with his teeth, shook him up andpassed him to the hind mule, which kicked him carefully over the bankinto the river.

  The mules were about to turn the matter over in their minds whenCaptain Binns sent the full force of the current through the wire andkept it going steadily. Thereupon the animals became panic-stricken.They began to rear and plunge; they turned around and dashed down thetow-path toward the boat. Then the line became taut; it jerked theboat around suddenly with such force that the stern of it brokethrough a weak place in the bank, and before the captain could turnoff his battery the mules had dashed around the other side of thetoll-collector's cabin, and then, making a lurch to the left, theyfell over the bank themselves, the line scraping the cabin, thecollector, three children and a colored man over with them. By thetime the line was cut and the sufferers rescued the mules were drownedand all the water in the canal had gone out through the break. Itcost Captain Binns three hundred dollars for damages; and when hehad settled the account, he concluded to wait for the report of thatcommittee before making any new experiments.

  The report of the committee upon improved locomotion was submitted tothe company during the following summer. It was a long and exceedinglyentertaining document, and the following extracts from it may possesssome interest:

  THE REPORT.

  "In reference to the plan offered by Henry Bushelson, which proposesto run the boats by means of his patent propeller, we may remark thatthe steam-engine with which the propeller is moved would sink theboat; and even if it would not, the propeller-blades, being longerthan the depth of the canal, would dig about five hundred cubicfeet of mud out of the bottom at each revolution. As a mud-dredgeBushelson's patent might be a success, but as a motive-power it isa failure; and his suggestion that the tow-path might be cut intolengths and laid side by side and sold for a farm, therefore, is notwholly practicable.

  "The idea of William Bradley is that holes might be cut in the bottomof the boat, and through these the legs of the mule could be inserted,so that it could walk along the bottom, while its body is safe anddry inside. This notion is the offspring of a fruitful and ingeniousintellect; and if the water could be kept from coming through theholes, it might be considered valuable but for one thing--somebodywould have to invent a new kind of mule with legs about seven feetlong. Mr. Bradley's mind has not yet devised any method of procuringsuch a mule, and unless he can induce the ordinary kind to walk uponstilts, we fear that the obstacles to success in this direction may beregarded as insurmountable.

  "Mr. Peterman Bostwick urges that important results might be securedby making the canal an inclined plane, so that when a boat is placedupon it the boat will simply slide down hill by the power of theattraction of gravitation. This seems to us a beautiful method ofadapting to the wants of man one of the most remarkable of the laws ofNature, and we should be inclined to give Mr. Bostwick the first prizebut for the fact that we have discovered, upon investigation, thatthe water in the canal also would slide down hill, and that it wouldrequire about fifteen rivers the size of the Mississippi to keep upthe supply. Mr. Bostwick does not mention where we are to get thoserivers. He does, however, say that if it shall be deemed inadvisableto slope the canal, the boats themselves might be made in the shape ofinclined planes, so that they would run down hill upon a level canal.There is something so deep, so amazing, in this proposition that yourcommittee needs more time to consider it and brood over it.

  "Mr. W.P. Robbins proposes to draw off the water from the canal, layrails on the bottom, and then put the boats on wheels and run themwith a locomotive. Your committee has been very much struck with thisproposition, but has concluded, upon reflection, that it is rather toorevolutionary. If canal navigation should be begun in this manner,probably we should soon have the railroad companies running theirtrains on water by means of sails, and stage lines traveling in theair with balloons. Such things would unsettle the foundations ofsociety and induce anarchy and chaos. A canal that has no water isa licentious and incendiary canal; and it is equally improper andequally repugnant to all conservative persons when, as Mr. Robbinssuggests, the boats are floated in tanks and the tanks are run onrails.

  "Your committee has given much thought and patient examination to theplan of Mr. Thompson McGlue. He suggests that the mules shall be cladin submarine armor and made to walk under water along the bottom ofthe canal, being fed with air through a pump. As we have never seen amule in action while decorated with submarine armor, we are unableto say with positiveness what his conduct would be under suchcircumstances. But the objections to the plan are of a formidablecharacter. The mule would, of course, be wholly excluded from everyopportunity to view the scenery upon the route, and we fear that thiswould have a tendency to discourage him. Being under water, too, hemight be tempted to stop frequently for the purpose of nibbling at thecatfish encountered by him, and this would distract his attention fromhis work. Somebody would have to dive whenever he got his hind legover the tow-line; and when the water was muddy, he might lose hisway and either pull the boat in the wrong direction or be continuallybutting against the bank.

  "Of the various other plans submitted, your committee have to say thatA.R. Mackey's proposition to run the boat by sails, and to fill thesails with wind by means of a steam blower on the vessel; JamesThompson's plan of giving the captain and crew small scows to puton their feet, so that they could stand overboard and push behind;William Black's theory that motion could be obtained by employingtrained sturgeon to haul the boat; and Martin Stotesbury's plea thatpropulsion could be given by placing a cannon upon the poop-deck andfiring it over the stern, so that the recoil would shove the boatalong,--are wonderful evidences of what the human mind can do when itexerts itself, but they are not as useful as they are marvelous."

  The prize has not yet been awarded. It is thought that the canalcompany will have to make it larger before they secure exactly whatthey want.

  * * * * *

  There is nothing in common between canals and sausages, but themention of Mr. William Bradley's name in the above report recallsanother report in which it figured. Bradley is an inventor who hasa very prolific mind, which, however, rarely produces anyt
hing thatanybody wants. One of Mr. Bradley's inventions during the war wasentitled by him "The Patent Imperishable Army Sausage." His ideawas to simplify the movements of troops by doing away with heavyprovision-trains and to furnish soldiers with nutritious food ina condensed form. The sausage was made on strictly scientificprinciples. It contained peas and beef, and salt and pepper, andstarch and gum-arabic, and it was stuffed in the skins by a machinewhich exhausted the air, so that it would be air-tight. Bradley saidthat his sausage would keep in any climate. You might lay it on theequator and let the tropical sun scorch it, and it would remainas sweet and fresh as ever; and Bradley said that there was moreflesh-and-muscle-producing material in a cubic inch of the sausagethan in an entire dinner of roast turkey and other such foolery.

  So when Bradley had made up a lot of the Imperishable, he storedthe bulk of them in the garret; and putting a sample of them in hispocket, he went down to Washington to see the Secretary of War, to gethim to introduce them to the army.

  He walked into the secretary's office and pulled out a sausage,and holding it toward him was about to explain it to him, when thesecretary suddenly dodged behind the table. The movement struckBradley as being queer, and he walked around after the secretary,still holding out a sample of the Imperishable. Then the secretarymade a bolt for the door and went out, and presently in came a coupleof clerks with shot-guns. They aimed at Bradley, and told him to drophis weapon or they would fire. He deposited the sausage on the tableand asked them what was the matter, and then the secretary came in andsaid he mistook the sausage for a revolver. When Bradley explained hismission, the secretary told him that nothing could be done without theaction of Congress, and he recommended the inventor to go up to theCapitol and push his sausage through there.

  THE SECRETARY IS ALARMED]

  So Bradley was on hand next day before the session opened, and he laida sausage on the desk of each member. When the House assembled,there was a large diversity of opinion respecting the meaning of theextraordinary display. Some were inclined to regard the article as aninfernal machine introduced by some modern Guy Fawkes, while othersleaned to the view that it was a new kind of banana developed bythe Agricultural Department. After a while Bradley turned up andexplained, and he spent the winter there trying to force his sausageon his beloved country. At the very end of the session a bill wassmuggled through, ordering the commissary department of the army toappoint a commission to investigate Bradley's sausage, and to reportto the Secretary of War.

  When the commission was organized, it came on with Bradley to his homeon his farm to examine his method. As the party approached the housea terrific smell greeted them, and upon entering the front door itbecame nearly unendurable. Mrs. Bradley said she thought there must besomething dead under the washboard. But upon going into the garret theorigin of the smell became obvious. About half a ton of the PatentImperishable Sausage lay on the floor in a condition of fearful decay.Then the commissioners put their fingers to their noses and adjourned,and the chairman went to the hotel to write out his report. It wasabout as follows:

  "After a careful examination of the Bradley Patent ImperishableArmy Sausage, we find that it is eminently suitable for certainwell-defined purposes. If it should be introduced to warfare as amissile, we could calculate with precision that its projection froma gun into a besieged town would instantly induce the garrison toevacuate the place and quit; but the barbarity which would be involvedin subjecting even an enemy to direct contact with the Bradley Sausageis so frightful that we shrink from recommending its use, excepting inextreme cases. The odor disseminated by the stink-pot used in war bythe Chinese is fragrant and balmy compared with the perfume whichbelongs to this article. It might also be used profitably as a manurefor poor land, and in a very cold climate, where it is absolutelycertain to be frozen, it could be made serviceable as a tent-pin.

  "But as an article of food it is open to several objections. Bradley'smethod of mixing is so defective that he has one sausage filled withpeas, another with gum-arabic, another with pepper and another withbeef. The beef sausages will certainly kill any man who eats amouthful, unless they are constantly kept on ice from the hour theyare made, and the gum-arabic sausages are not sufficiently nutritiousto enable an army to conduct an arduous campaign. We are thereforedisposed to recommend that the sausage shall not be accepted by thedepartment, and that Bradley's friends put him in an asylum where hismind can be cared for."

  When Bradley heard about the report, he was indignant; and afterreflecting that republics are always ungrateful, he sent a box ofthe sausages to Bismarck, in order to ascertain if they could not beintroduced to the German army. Three months later he was shot atone night by a mysterious person, and the belief prevails in thisneighborhood that it was an assassin sent over to this country byBismarck for the single purpose of butchering the inventor of theImperishable Army Sausage. Since then Bradley has abandoned theproject, and he is now engaged in perfecting a washing-machine whichhas reached such a stage that on the first trial it tore four shirtsand a bolster-slip to rags.