Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot Page 30

  CHAPTER XXVIII.

  _THE MISDIRECTED ENERGIES OF MR. BRADLEY_.

  Mr. Bradley, our inventor, has had some experiences in addition tothose already recorded which may perhaps be entertaining to thereader. One of the peculiarities of Bradley's contrivances is thatwhen they are designed to do a specified work, that is conspicuouslythe work they cannot possibly be induced to do. There, for instance,was Bradley's famous steam-pump.

  Some years ago Bradley invented a steam-pump for use on shipboard. Heclaimed for it that it would pump about three times as many gallons ina minute as any other pump, and he got some of his political friendsin Congress to use their influence with the Navy Department to have ittried on one of the navy vessels. Finally he succeeded in having itintroduced upon a small steamer, which we will call the Water Witch;and when everything was ready, the ship started upon a trial trip.Soon after she got to sea, Bradley, who was aboard, said he would liketo try the pump upon the bilge-water to see how she worked.

  The captain ordered the engineer to turn it on, and the machineoperated apparently in the most beautiful manner. In about an hour oneof the officers reported that the water was gaining rapidly in thehold, and the captain sent some men down to discover where the leakwas. They came back and reported that they couldn't find the hole, butthat the water was pouring in somewhere in frightful quantities.

  Then some of the officers went down and spent half an hour in waterup to their waists feeling around after that awful hole, but theycouldn't ascertain where it was. The only thing that they were certainof was that the water was steadily gaining on them, and the ship wascertain to sink unless something was done. All this time Mr. Bradley'spump was working away, and the captain continually enjoined theengineer to give it greater speed.

  Then the captain himself went down and made an examination; andalthough he failed to find the leak, he was alarmed to discover aquantity of codfish and porpoises swimming about in the hold, becausehe knew that the hole in the hull must be very large indeed to admitthe fish. And still the water rose steadily all the time, althoughBradley's pump was jerking away at it in a terrific manner and all theother pumps were running at full speed.

  At last the captain made up his mind that he should have to desert theship, as she was certain to sink; and so the boats were made ready andpacked with provisions and water and a few little comforts, and bythis time the water in the bilge was nearly up to the furnace fires.

  Just then Bradley's pump suddenly stopped; and then the captain turnedpale as death and demanded to know who stopped that pump, whileBradley buckled a life-preserver around him, corked up a note to hiswife in a bottle, and said that now that the pump had ceased he wouldgive that steamer just four minutes to reach bottom.

  While he was speaking the engineer came up and said,

  "Mr. Bradley, what did you say was the capacity of your pump?"

  "Six hundred gallons a minute."

  "Six hundred. Well, Mr. Bradley, how many gallons do you estimate thatthere are in the Atlantic Ocean?"

  "Blessed if I know. How in the mischief can I tell that?"

  "Oh, it don't make any particular difference, only I thought you mighthave some kind of an indistinct idea how long it would take you to runthe ocean through your pump."

  "I dunno, I'm sure," said Bradley.

  "Well, I merely wanted to say that, whatever your calculationsrespecting the number of gallons in the Atlantic, it is perfectlyuseless for you to try to load up that ocean in this vessel. She won'thold more'n half of it."

  "What do you mean, sir?" demanded Bradley.

  "Why, I mean that that diabolical pump of yours, instead of taking outthe bilge, has been spurting water into this vessel for the past fourhours, and that if you have a theory that you can strike dry land bythat process it is ingenious, but it won't work, for it's going tosink this ship."

  Then the captain swore till the air was blue. Then he put Bradley inirons, and ripped out his pump, and unpacked the boats, and pumped outthe water, and picked up the codfish and porpoises, and set sail forhome for the purpose of making a report on the subject of the newinvention. The Bradley Improved Marine Steam-pump went right out ofuse at the end of the voyage.

  Another invention of Bradley's was a scientific system of foretellingthe weather. He had a lot of barometers, hygrometers and such thingsin his house, and he claimed that by reading these intelligentlyand watching the clouds, in accordance with his theory, a man couldprophesy what kind of weather there would be three days ahead. Theywere getting up a Sunday-school picnic in town in May; and as Bradleyascertained that there would be no rain on a certain Thursday, theyselected that day for the purpose. The sky looked gloomy when theystarted; but as Bradley declared that it absolutely _couldn't_ rain onThursday, everybody felt that it was safe to go. About two hours afterthe party reached the grounds, however, a shower came up, and itrained so hard that it ruined all the provisions, wet everybody tothe skin and washed the cake into dough. On the following Monday theagricultural exhibition was to be held; but as Mr. Bradley foresawthat there would be a terrible north-east storm on that day, hesuggested to the president of the society that it had better bepostponed. So they put it off; and that was the only clear Monday wehad during May. About the first of June, Mr. Bradley announced thatthere would not be any rain until the 15th; and consequently we hadshowers everyday right along up to that time, with the exception ofthe 10th when there was a slight spit of snow. So on the 15th, Bradleyforesaw that the rest of the month would be wet; and by an oddcoincidence a drought set in and it only rained once during the twoweeks, and that was the day on which Bradley informed the base-ballclub that it could play a match, because it would be clear.

  On toward the first of July he began to have some doubts if hisimproved weather-system was correct; he was convinced that it mustwork by contraries. So when Professor Jones asked him if it would besafe to attempt to have a display of fireworks on the night of the5th, Bradley brought the improved system into play, and discoveredthat it promised rainy weather on that night. So then he was certainit would be clear; and he told Professor Jones to go ahead.

  On the night of the 5th, just as the professor got hisCatherine-wheels and sky-rockets all in position, it began to rain;and that was the most awful storm we had that year: it raised theriver nearly three feet. As soon as it began Bradley got the axe andwent up stairs and smashed his hydrometers, hygrometers, barometersand thermometers. Then he cut down the pole that upheld theweathercock and burned the manuscript of the book which he was writingin explanation of his system. He leans on "Old Probs" now when hewants to ascertain the probable state of the weather.

  * * * * *

  When his first baby was born, Bradley invented a self-rocking cradlefor it. He constructed the motive-power of the machine from some oldclockwork which was operated by a huge steel ribbon spring strongenough to move a horse-car and long enough to run for a week withoutrewinding. When the cradle was completed, he put the baby in it upona pillow and started the machinery. It worked beautifully, and afterwatching it for a while Bradley went to bed in a peaceful and happyframe of mind. Toward midnight he heard something go r-r-r-rip!Buzz-z-z-z! Crash! Bang! Then a pin or something of the kind in theclockwork gave way, and before Bradley could get out of bed the cradlecontaining the baby was making ninety revolutions a minute, andhopping around the room and slamming up against the furniture in amanner that was simply awful to look at.

  BRADLEY'S CRADLE]

  How to get the child out was now the only consideration whichpresented itself to the mind of the inventor. A happy thought struckhim. He took a slat out of the bedstead and held it under the cradle.On the next down-stroke it stopped with a jerk, and the baby wasthrown, like a stone out of a catapult, against the washstand,fortunately with the pillow to break its fall. But the machine keptwhizzing round and round the room as soon as the slat was withdrawn,and Bradley, in an ecstasy of rage, flung it out the back window intothe yard. It continue
d to make such a clatter there that he had to godown and pile up barrels and slop-buckets and bricks and clothes-propsand part of the grape-arbor on it, so that all it could do was to liethere all night buzzing with a kind of smothered hum and keeping thenext-door neighbors awake, so that they pelted it with bootjacks,under the impression that it was cats.

  Mrs. Bradley expressed such decided views respecting cradles of thatpattern that Mr. Bradley turned his attention to other mattersthan those of a domestic character. He resolved to revolutionizenavigation. It occurred to him that some kind of an apparatus might bedevised by which a man could walk upon the surface of the water, andhe went to work at it. The result was that in a few weeks he producedand patented Bradley's Water Perambulator. It consisted of a couple ofshallow scows, each about four feet long. These were to be fastened tothe feet; and Bradley informed his friends that with a little practicea man could glide over the bosom of a river with the ease and velocitywith which a good skater skims over the ice.

  It looked like a splendid thing. Bradley said that it would certainlyproduce a revolution in navigation, and make men wholly independent ofsteamers and other vessels when they desired to travel upon water withrapidity. Bradley intimated that the day would come when a man wouldmount a water perambulator and go drifting off to India, sliding overthe bounding billows of the dark blue sea as serenely as if he werewalking along a turnpike.

  And one day Bradley asked a select party to come down to the riverto see him make a trial-trip. At the appointed time he appeared withsomething that looked like a small frigate under each arm; and when hehad fastened them securely upon his feet, he prepared to lower himselfover the edge of the wharf. He asked the spectators to designate apoint upon the thither shore at which they wished him to land. It wasimmaterial to him, he said, whether he went one mile or ten, up streamor down, because he should glide around upon the surface of the streamwith the ease and grace of a swallow. Then they fixed a point for him;and when he had dropped into the water, he steadied himself for amoment by holding to the pier while he fastened his eye upon hisdestination and prepared to start.

  At last he said the experiment would begin; and he struck out with hisleft foot. As he did so the front end of that particular scow scuttledunder water, and as he tried to save himself by bringing forward hisright foot, that section of Bradley's Water Perambulator also dippedunder, and Bradley fell.

  THE NEW MOTOR]

  A moment later he was hanging head downward in the river, with nothingvisible to the anxious spectators but the bottoms of two four-footfrigates. The perambulator simply kept the body of Bradley under thewater. Then a man went out in a skiff and pulled the inventor in witha boat-hook. When he came ashore, they unbuckled his scows, took offhis clothing and rolled him upon an oil-barrel. In half an hour herevived, and with a deep groan he said,

  "Where am I?"

  His friends explained his situation to him, and then he asked,

  "What drowned me?"

  They told him sadly that he was injured during an attempt torevolutionize navigation and to prepare the way for a walk to India.

  "How did I try to do it?" he inquired.

  They wept as they reminded him that he had started to skim over theriver like a swallow, with a scow upon each foot, and then he faintlysaid,

  "Where in thunder are those machines?"

  His friends produced, the new motor with which Bradley intended tobreak up the steamship lines; and when he had looked at them for amoment, he fell back and whispered,

  "It's no use. I can't do 'em justice. Eight men couldn't cuss 'em tosatisfy me. But split 'em up! Have 'em mashed into kin'lin-wood beforeI get well, or the sight of 'em'll set me crazy."

  Then he was carried home, and after being in bed about a fortnight hecame out with a pallid cheek, a sorrowful heart and ideas for six orseven new machines.