Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot Page 26

  CHAPTER XXIV.

  _THE DOG OF MR. BUTTERWICK'S, AND OTHER DOGS_.

  One day I met Mr. Butterwick in the street leading his dog with achain. He said that it was a very valuable dog and he was anxious toget it safely home, but he had to catch a train, and I would confer apersonal favor upon him if I would take the dog to my house and keepit until he returned from the city. The undertaking was not a pleasantone, but I disliked to disoblige Butterwick, and so I consented.Butterwick gave me his end of the chain and left in a hurried manner.I got the dog home with the greatest difficulty, and turned it intothe cellar. About an hour later I received a telegram from Butterwicksaying that he had been compelled to go down to the lower part ofJersey, and that he wouldn't be home for a week or two. That was onthe 12th of June, and after that time only two persons entered thecellar. The hired girl went down once after the cold beef, and came updisheveled and bleeding, with a number of appalling dog-bites inher legs, and I descended immediately afterward for the purpose ofpacifying the infuriated animal. He did not feel disposed to becomecalm, however, and I deem it probable that if I had not suddenlyclambered into the coal-bin, where I remained until he fell asleep ina distant corner about four hours later, I should certainly have beentorn to pieces. We thought we would have to try to get along with outusing the cellar until Butterwick could come up and take away his dog.But Butterwick wrote to say that he couldn't come, and the dog, aftereating everything in the cellar and barking all through every night,finally bolted up stairs into the kitchen on the 2d of July, andestablished himself in the back yard. After that we used the frontdoor exclusively while we were waiting for Butterwick to come up. Thedog had fits regularly, and he always got on the geranium-bed when hefelt them coming on; and consequently, we did not enjoy our flowersas much as we hoped to. The cherries were ripe during the reign ofButterwick's dog, but they rotted on the trees, all but a few, whichwere picked by Smith's boy, who subsequently went over the fence in asensational manner without stopping to ascertain what Butterwick's dogwas going to do with the mouthful of drawers and corduroy trousersthat he had removed from Smith's boy's leg. As Butterwick did not comeup, the dog enjoyed himself roaming about the yard a while; but oneday, finding the back window in the parlor open, he jumped in andassumed control of that apartment and the hall. I tried to dislodgehim with a clothes-prop, but I only succeeded in knocking two costlyvases off of the mantel-piece, and the dog became so excited andthreatening that I shut the door hurriedly and went up stairs foursteps at a time.

  SMITH'S BOY RETREATS]

  There was nothing to interest him especially in the parlor, andI cannot imagine why he wanted to stay there. But he did; and asButterwick didn't come up, we couldn't dislodge him. On Thursday hesmashed the mirror during an attempt to get up a fight with anotherdog that he thought he saw in there, and he clawed the sofa to rags.On Saturday he had a fit in the hall, and spoiled about eight squareyards of Brussels carpet utterly. When he recovered, he went back intothe parlor. At last I borrowed Coffin's dog and sent him in to fightButterwick's dog out. It was an exhilarating contest. They fought onthe chairs and sofas; they upset a table and smashed all the ornamentson it; they scattered blood and hair in blotches all over the carpet;they got entangled in one of the lace curtains and dragged it and theframe down with a crash; they scratched and bit and tore and frothedand yelled; and at last Coffin's dog gave in, put his tail betweenhis legs and retreated, while Butterwick's dog got on a sixty-dollarTurkish rug, so that he could bleed comfortably.

  It didn't seem to occur to him to go home, and still Butterwick didn'tcome up. The next day I loaded a shot-gun and determined to kill himat any sacrifice. I aimed carefully at him, but at the critical momenthe dodged, and two handfuls of bird-shot went into the piano and toreit up badly. Then I tossed some poisoned meat' at him, but he ate allaround the poison, and seemed to feel better after the meal than hehad done for years. Finally, Butterwick came home, and he called toget his dog. He entered the parlor bravely and attempted to seizethe animal, when it bit him. I was never so glad in my life. ThenButterwick got mad; and seizing the dog by the tail, he smashed himthrough my French glass window into the street. Then I was not so veryglad. Then the dog went mad and a policeman killed him. The next timeI am asked to take a strange dog home I will kill him to begin with.

  When I explained to Colonel Coffin the unpleasant nature of myexperience with Mr. Butterwick's dog, the colonel said that he had hada good deal to do lately, in a legal way, with dogs; and he gave methe facts respecting two interesting cases. The first was Tompkins'case.

  A man called at the colonel's law-office one day and said,

  "Colonel, my name is Tompkins. I called to see you about a dogdifficulty that bewilders me, and I thought maybe you might throw somelight on it--might give me the law points, so's I'd know whether itwas worth while suing or not.

  "Well, colonel, you see me and Potts went into partnership on a dog;we bought him. He was a setter; and me and Potts went shares on him,so's to take him out a-hunting. It was never exactly settled whichhalf of him I owned and which half belonged to Potts; but I formed anidea in my own mind that the hind end was Tompkins' and the front endPotts'. Consequence was that when the dog barked I always said, 'Theregoes Potts half exercising himself;' and when the dog's tail wagged, Ialways considered that my end was being agitated. And, of course,when one of my hind legs scratched one of Potts' ears or one of hisshoulders, I was perfectly satisfied--first, because that sort ofthing was good for the whole dog; and, second, because the thing wouldget about even when Potts' head would reach around and bite a flea offmy hind legs or snap at a fly.

  "Well, things went along smooth enough for a while, until one day thatdog began to get into the habit of running around after his tail. Hewas the foolishest dog about that I ever saw. Used to chase his tailround and round until he'd get so giddy he couldn't bark. And you knowI was scared lest it might hurt the dog's health; and as Potts didn'tseem to be willing to keep his end from circulating in pursuit of myend, I made up my mind to chop the dog's tail off, so's to make himreform and behave. So last Saturday I caused the dog to back up agin alog, and then I suddenly dropped the axe on his tail pretty close up,and the next minute he was running around that yard howling like aboat-load of wild-cats. Just then Potts came up, and he let on to bemad because I'd cut off that tail. One word brought on another; andpretty soon Potts set that dog on me--my own half too, mind you--andthe dog bit me in the leg. See that! look at that leg! About half apound gone; et up by that dog.

  "Now, what I want to see you about is this: Can't I recover damagesfor assault and battery from Potts? What I chopped off belonged to me,recollect. I owned an undivided half of that setter pup, from the tipof his tail clear up to his third rib, and I had a right to cut awayas much of it as I'd a mind to; while Potts, being sole owner of thedog's head, is responsible when he bites anybody, or when he barks atnights."

  "I don't know," replied the colonel, musingly. "There haven't been anydecisions on cases exactly like this. But what does Mr. Potts say uponthe subject?"

  "Why, Potts' view is that I divided the dog the wrong way. When hewants to map out his half he draws a line from the middle of the noseright along the spine and clear to the end of the tail. That gives meone hind leg and one fore leg and makes him joint proprietor in thetail. And he says that if I wanted to cut off my half of the tail Imight have done it, and he wouldn't've cared, but what made him madwas that I wasted his property without consulting him. But that theoryseems to me a little strained; and if it's legal, why, I'm going toclose out my half of the dog at a sacrifice sooner than hold anyinterest in him on those principles. Now, what do you think about it?"

  "Well," said the colonel, "I can hardly decide so important a questionoff-hand; but at the first glance my opinion is that you own the wholedog, and that Potts also owns the whole dog. So when he bites you, asuit won't lie against Potts, and the only thing you can do to obtainjustice is to make the dog bite Potts also. As for
the tail, when itis separated from the dog it is no longer the dog's tail, and it isnot worth fighting about."

  "Can't sue Potts, you say?"

  "I think not."

  "Can't get damages for the piece that's been bit out of me?"

  "I hardly think you can."

  "Well, well, and yet they talk about American civilization, andtemples of justice, and such things! All right. Let it go. I can standit; but don't anybody ever undertake to tell me that the law protectshuman beings in their rights. Good-morning."

  "Wait a moment, Mr. Tompkins; you've forgotten my fee."

  "F-f-f-fee! Why, you don't charge anything when I don't sue, do you?"

  "Certainly, for my advice. My fee is ten dollars."

  "Ten dollars! Ten dollars! Why, colonel, that's just what I paid formy half of that dog. I haven't got fifty cents to my name. But I'lltell you what I'll do: I'll make over all my rights in that setter pupto you, and you kin go round and fight it out with Potts. If that dogbites me again, I'll sue you and Potts as sure as my name's Tompkins."

  The other case was of a somewhat more serious character. Upon asubsequent occasion a man hobbled into the office upon crutches.Proceeding to a chair and making a cushion of some newspapers, he satdown very gingerly, placed a bandaged leg upon another chair, andsaid,

  "Col. Coffin, my name is. Briggs. I want to get your opinion about alittle point of law. Now, colonel, s'posin' you lived up the 'pikehere a half a mile, next door to a man named Johnson. And s'posin' youand Johnson was to get into an argument about the human intellect,and you was to say to Johnson that a splendid illustration of thesuperiority of the human intellect was to be found in the power ofthe human eye to restrain the ferocity of a wild animal. And s'posin'Johnson was to remark that that was all bosh, because nobody _could_hold a wild animal with the human eye, and you should declare that youcould hold the savagest beast that was ever born if you could once fixyour gaze on him.

  "Well, then, s'posin' Johnson was to say he'd bet a hundred dollars hecould bring a tame animal that you couldn't hold with your eye, andyou was to take him up on it, and Johnson was to ask you to come downto his place to settle the bet. You'd go, we'll say, and Johnson'dwander round to the back of the house and pretty soon come frontagain with a dog bigger'n any four decent dogs ought to be. And thens'posin' Johnson'd let go of that dog and set him on you, and he'dcome at you like a sixteen-inch shell out of a howitzer, and you'dget scary about it and try to hold the dog with your eye, andcouldn't. And s'posin' you'd suddenly conclude that maybe your kindof an eye wasn't calculated to hold that kind of a dog, and you'dconclude to run for a plum tree in order to have a chance to collectyour thoughts, and to try to reflect what sort of an eye would bebest calculated to mollify that sort of a dog. You ketch my idea, ofcourse?

  "Very well, then; s'posin you'd take your eye off of that dog,Johnson, mind you, all the time hissing him on and laughing, and you'dturn and rush for the tree, and begin to swarm up as fast as youcould. Well, sir, s'posin' just as you got three feet from the groundJohnson's dog would grab you by the leg and hold on like a vise,shaking you until you nearly lost your hold. And s'posin' Johnson wasto stand there and holloa, "Fix your eye on him, Briggs! Why don't youmanifest the power of the human intellect?" and so on, howling outironical remarks like those; and s'posin' he kept that dog on that leguntil he made you swear to pay the bet, and then at last had to prythe dog off with a hot poker, bringing away at the same time some ofyour flesh in the dog's mouth, so that you had to be carried home ona stretcher, and to hire several doctors to keep you from dying withlockjaw.

  "S'posin' this, what I want to know is, couldn't you sue Johnson fordamages and make him pay heavily for what that dog did? That's what Iwant to get at."

  The colonel thought for a minute and then said, "Well, Mr. Briggs, Idon't think I could. If I agreed to let Johnson set the dog at me, Ishould be a party to the transaction and I could not recover."

  "Do you mean to say that the law won't make that infernal scoundrelJohnson suffer for letting his dog eat me up?"

  "I think not, if you state the case properly."

  "It won't, hey?" exclaimed Mr. Briggs, hysterically. "Oh, very well,very well! I s'pose if that dog had chewed me all up and spit me outit'd've been all the same to this constitutional republic. But hang meif I don't have satisfaction. I'll kill Johnson, poison his dog, andemigrate to some country where the rights of citizens are protected.If I don't, you may bust me open!"

  Then Mr. Briggs got on his crutches and hobbled out. He is still acitizen, and will vote at the next election.