Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot Read online

  CHAPTER XXII.

  _JUSTICE, AND A LITTLE INJUSTICE_.

  The administration of justice in this county is chiefly in the handsof Judge Twiddler; and while his methods generally are excellent, hesometimes makes unpleasant mistakes. Mr. Mix was the victim of onesuch blunder upon a recent occasion. Mr. Mix is bald; and in order toinduce his hair to grow again, he is using a very excellent articleof "hair vigor" upon his scalp. Some time ago he was summoned as ajuryman upon a case in the court, and upon the day of the trial, justbefore the hour at which the court met, he remembered that he had notapplied the vigor to his head that morning. He had only a few minutesto spare, but he flew up stairs and into the dark closet where he keptthe bottle; and pouring some fluid upon a sponge, he rubbed his headenergetically. By some mishap Mr. Mix got hold of the wrong bottle,and the substance with which he inundated his scalp was not vigor, butthe black varnish with which Mrs. Mix decorated her shoes. However,Mix didn't perceive the mistake, but darted down stairs, put on hishat and walked off to the courtroom. It was a very cold morning, andby the time Mix reached his destination the varnish was as stiff asa stone. He felt a little uncomfortable about the head, and heendeavored to remove his hat to discover the cause of the difficulty,but to his dismay it was immovable. It was glued fast to the skin, andhis efforts to take it off gave him frightful pain.

  Just then he heard his name called by the crier, and he had to go intocourt to answer. He was wild with apprehension of coming trouble;but he took his seat in the jury-box and determined to explain thesituation to the court at the earliest possible moment. As he satthere with a guilty feeling in his soul it seemed to him that his hatkept getting bigger and bigger, until it appeared to him to be aslarge as a shot-tower. Then he was conscious that the lawyers werestaring at him. Then the clerk looked hard at him and screamed, "Hatsoff in court!" and Mix grew crimson. "Hats off!" yelled the clerkagain, and Mix was about to reply when the judge came in, and as hiseye rested on Mix he said,

  "Persons in the court-room must remove their hats."

  "May it please Your Honor, I kept my hat on because--"

  "Well, sir, you must take it off now."

  "But I say I keep it on because I----"

  "We don't want any arguments upon the subject, sir. Take your hat offinstantly!" said the judge.

  "But you don't let me--"

  "Remove that hat this moment, sir! Are you going to bandy words withme, sir? Uncover your head at once!"

  "Judge, if you will only give me a chance to--"

  "This is intolerable! Do you mean to insult the court, sir? Do youmean to profane this sacred temple of justice with untimely levity?Take your hat off, sir, or I will fine you for contempt. Do you hearme?"

  "Well, it's very hard that I can't say a word by way of ex--"

  "This is too much," said the judge, warmly--"this is just a littletoo much. Perhaps you'd like to come up on the bench here and run thecourt and sentence a few convicts? Mr. Clerk, fine that man fiftydollars. Now, sir, remove your hat."

  "Judge, this is rough on me. I----"

  "Won't do it yet?" said the judge, furiously. "Why, you impudentscoundrel, I've a notion to--Mr. Clerk, fine him one hundred dollarsmore, and, Mr. Jones, you go and take that hat off by force."

  Then the tipstaff approached Mix, who was by this time half crazy withwrath, and hit the hat with his stick. It did not move. Then he struckit again and caved in the crown, but it still remained on Mix's head.Then he picked up a volume of Brown _On Evidence_, and mashed thecrown in flat. Then Mix sprang at him; and shaking his fist under thenose of Jones, he shrieked,

  "You miserable scullion, I've half a notion to kill you! If thatjackass on the bench had any sense, he could see that the hat is gluedfast. I can't take it off if I wanted to, and I wouldn't take it offnow if I could."

  A COURT SCENE]

  Then the judge removed the fines and excused him, and Mix went home.He slept in his hat for a week; and even when it came off, the top ofhis head looked as black as if mortification had set in.

  But if the judge is too particular, our sheriff is hardly carefulenough. The manner in which he permits our jail to be conducted alwaysseemed to me interesting and original.

  One day I wanted to hire a man to wheel half a dozen loads of rubbishout of my garden, and after looking around a while I found a seedychap sitting on the end of a wharf fishing. When I asked him if hewould attend to the job, he replied thus:

  "I really can't. I'm sorry; but the fact is I'm in jail for six monthsfor larceny--sentenced last December. I don't mind it much, only theydon't act honest with me up at the jail. The first week I was thereMrs. Murphy--she's the keeper's wife--wanted to clean up, and so sheturned me out, and I had to hang round homeless for more'n a week.Then, just as I was getting settled agin comfortably, the provisionsran short, and Murphy tried to borrow money of me to feed theconvicts; and as I had none to lend, out I had to go agin. In abouttwo weeks I started in fresh and got everything snug and cheerful,when Murphy's aunt stepped out. Then what does that ass do but put meout agin and lock up the jail and put crape on the door, while he wentoff to the funeral.

  "So, of course, I had to browse around, huntin' up meals where I couldget them, sometimes nibblin' somethin' at the tavern and other timestakin' tea with a friend. Well, sir, hardly was that old woman buried,and me once more in the cell with the home-like feelin' beginnin' tocreep over me, but Murphy, he says he and his wife's got to go upto the city to get a hired girl; and when I refused to quit, Murphygrabbed me by the collar and pushed me into the street, and said he'dsick his dog on me if I came around there makin' a fuss.

  "I hung about a few days; and when I went to the jail, the boy saidMurphy hadn't got back and I'd have to call agin. Next time I appliedthe boy hollered from the window that he was 'engaged' and couldn'tsee me. Murphy was still rummagin' for that hired girl. I went thereeight times, and there was always some jackass of an excuse forcrowdin' me out, and I don't know if I'll ever get in agin. Nightafore last I busted a window with a brick and tried to crawl inthrough the hole, but the boy fired a gun at me, and said if I'd justwait till Mr. Murphy came back he'd have me arrested for burglary.

  "Now, I think I've been treated mighty bad. I've got a right in thatjail, and it's pretty mean in a man like Murphy to shove me off inweather like this; and I'm bound to live six months in the prison sometime or other, whether he likes it or not. I don't mind puttin' myselfto some trouble to oblige a friend, but I hate like thunder to beimposed on.

  "'Pears to me it's no way to run a penal institution any way. There'sBotts; he's in jail for perjury for nine years, and Murphy's actuallyturned that convict out so often and made him run 'round after hismeals that Botts has lost heart, and has gone to canvassin' for a lifeinsurance company--gone to perambulatin' all over the country tryin'to do a little somethin' to keep clothes on his back, when he ought tobe layin' serenely in that jail. But I ain't goin' to do that. Ifthe law keeps me in custody, it's got to support me; and that's whatSimpson says, too. Ketch him workin' for his livin'. He's in for fouryears for assault and battery; and when they turn him out of the jail,he puts up at a hotel and has the bills sent in to Murphy.

  "Murphy don't have consideration for the prisoners, any way. You knowhe raises fowls in the jail-yard; and just after Christmas he had abig lot of turkeys left on his hands, and do you believe that manactually kept feedin' us on those turkeys for more than a month?Positively refused to allow us anything else until they was gone. Ihad half a notion to quit for good. I was disgusted. And Simpsonsaid if that is the way they were goin' to treat convicts, why,civilization is a failure. All through Lent, too, wouldn't allow us anoyster; kept stuffin' us with beef and such trash, although Botts saidhe'd never been used to such wickedness, for his parents were veryparticular. Wouldn't even give us fish-balls twice a week. But whatdoes Murphy care? He's perfectly enthusiastic when he can tread on aman's feelin's and stamp all the moral sensibility out of him.

  "And Mrs. Murph
y, she's not much better. All the warm days she'shome she hustles that baby of hers onto me. Makes me take the littlesucklin' out in his carriage for an airin', and then gets mad if hefalls out while I'm conversin' for a few minutes with a friend. I'da slid him into the river long ago, only I know well enough they'dsentence me for life, and then I'd maybe have to stand Murphy'spersecution for about forty years; and that'd kill me. It wouldindeed. He's so inconsiderate.

  "He used to give me the key of the jail to keep while he'd go over toBarnes' to fight roosters or to play poker, and one day I lost it.He raised an awful fuss, and even Botts was down on me because theycouldn't keep the boys out, and they used to come in and tickle Bottswith straws while he was sleepin' in his cell. I believe they expectMurphy back day after to-morrow, but I know mighty well I'm not goin'to have much satisfaction when he does come. He'll find some excusefor shufflin' me out 'bout as soon as I get stowed away in my oldquarters. If he does, I've got a notion to lock him out some night andrun the jail myself for a while, so's I kin have some peace. There'ssuch a thing as carryin' abuses a little too far. Excuse me for aminute. I think I have a bite."

  Then I left to hunt for another man. I feel that the Society for theAlleviation of the Sufferings of Prisoners has a great work to performin our town.