Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot Read online

  CHAPTER XVII.

  _HOW WE CONDUCT A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN_.

  The people of Millburg feel a very intense interest in politics, andduring a campaign there is always a good deal of excitement. Thebitterest struggle that the town has had for a long while was thatwhich preceded the election of a couple of years ago, when I was not aresident of the place. One incident particularly attracted a gooddeal of attention. Mr. Potts related the facts to me in the followinglanguage:

  "You know we nominated Bill Slocum for burgess. He was the mostpopular man in the place; everybody liked him. And a few days afterthe convention adjourned Bill was standing talking to Joe Snowdenabout the election, and Bill happened to remark, 'I've got to win.'Mrs. Martin was going by at the time; and as Bill was speaking veryrapidly, he pronounced it like this: 'I've got t'win;' and Mrs. Martinthought he was telling Snowden that he'd got _twins_. And Mrs. Martin,just like all women about such matters, at once went through thevillage spreading the report that Mrs. Slocum had twins.

  "So, of course, there was a fuss right off; and the boys said that asBill was a candidate, and a mighty good fellow anyhow you took him,it'd be nothing more than fair to congratulate him on his good luckby getting up some kind of a public demonstration from hisfellow-citizens. Well, sir, you never saw such enthusiasm. The waythat idea took was wonderful, and all hands agreed that we oughtto have a parade. So they ran up the flags on the hotels and thetown-hall, and on the two schooners down at the wharf, and JudgeTwiddler adjourned the court over till the next day, and thesupervisors gave the public schools a holiday and got up a turkeydinner for the convicts in the jail.

  "And some of the folks drummed up the brass band, and it led off, withMajor Slott following, carrying an American flag hung with roses. Thencame the clergy in carriages, followed by the Masons and Odd Fellowsand Knights of Pythias. And the Young Men's Christian Associationturned out with the Sons of Temperance, about forty strong, in fullregalia. And General Trumps pranced along on a white horse ahead ofthe Millburg Guards. After them came the judges on foot, followed bythe City Council and the employes of the gas-works, and the members ofthe Bible Society and Patriotic Sons of America. Then came citizenswalking two and two, afoot, while a big crowd of men and boys broughtup the rear.

  "The band, mind you, all this time playing the most gorgeousmusic--'Star-Spangled Banner,' 'Life on the Ocean Wave,' 'BeautifulDreamer,' 'Home Again,' and all those things, with cymbals andJenkins' colored man spreading himself on the big drum. And Bill neverknew anything about it. It was a perfect surprise to him. And when theprocession stopped in front of his house, they gave him three cheers,and he came rushing out on the porch to see what all the noise wasabout. As soon as he appeared the band struck up 'See, the ConqueringHero Comes,' and Major Slott lowered the flag, and General Trumpswaved his hat, and the guard fired a salute, and everybody cheered.

  "Bill bowed and made a little speech, and said how honored he was bysuch a demonstration, and he said he felt certain of victory, and whenhe was in office he would do his best to serve his fellow-citizensfaithfully. Bill thought it was a political serenade; and when he gotthrough, General Trumps cried,

  "'Bring out the twins.'

  "Bill looked puzzled for a minute, and then he says,

  "'I don't think I understand you. What d'you say?'

  "'Bring out the twins,' said Judge Twiddler. 'Less look at 'em.'

  "'Twins!' says Bill. 'Twins! Why, what d'ye mean, judge?'

  "'Why, the twins. Rush 'em out. Hold 'em in the window, so's we cansee 'em,' said Major Slott.

  "'Gentlemen,' said Bill, 'there must be some little, some slightmistake respecting the--that is, you must have been misinformed aboutthe--the--er--er--Why, there are no twins about this house.'

  "Then they thought he was joking, and the band broke in with 'Listento the Mocking-bird,' and Bill came down to find out the drift ofJudge Twiddler's remarks. And when he really convinced them thatthere wasn't a twin anywhere about the place, you never saw a worsedisgusted crowd in your life. Mad as fury. They said they had no ideaBill Slocum would descend to such trickery as that.

  "So they broke up. The judge went back to the court-room so indignanthe sentenced a prisoner for twenty years, when the law only allowedhim to give ten. The supervisors, they took their spite out by dockingthe school-teachers half a day and cutting off the cranberry saucefrom the turkey dinner at the jail. General Trumps got drunk as anowl. The City Councils held an adjourned meeting and raised the waterrent on Slocum, and Jenkins' nigger burst in the head of the big drumwith a brick. Mad's no word for it. They were wild with rage.

  "And that killed Bill. They beat him by two hundred majority at theelection, just on account of old Mrs. Martin misunderstanding him.Rough, wasn't it? But it don't seem to me like the fair thing onBill."

  Mr. Slocum was defeated, despite the fact that he wished to succeed.Mr. Walsh, it appears, was disappointed, in the same contest, in awholly different manner. Mr. Walsh was the predecessor of our presentcoroner, Mr. Maginn. How Mr. Walsh was elected he informed me in thesewords:

  "You know," said Mr. Walsh, "that I didn't want that position. Whenthey talked of nominating me, I told them, says I, 'It's no use; youneedn't elect me; I'm not going to serve. D'you s'pose I'm going togive up a respectable business to become a kind of State undertaker?I'm opposed to this _post-mortem_ foolery, any way. When a man's blownup with gunpowder, it don't interest me to know what killed him; soyou needn't make me coroner, for I won't serve.'

  "Well, do you believe that they persisted in nominating me on theRepublican ticket--actually put me up as a candidate? So I published aletter declining the nomination; but they absolutely had the impudenceto keep me on the ticket and to hold mass-meetings, at which they madespeeches in my favor. I was pretty mad about it, because it showedsuch a disregard of my feelings; and so I chummed in with theDemocrats, and for about two months I went around to the Democraticmass-meetings and spoke against myself and in favor of the oppositioncandidate. I thought I had them for sure, because I knew more about myown failings than those other fellows did, and I enlarged upon themuntil I made myself out--Well, I heaped up the iniquity until I usedto go home feeling that I was a good deal wickeder sinner than I everthought I was before. It did me good, too: I reformed. I've been abetter man ever since.

  "Now, you'd a thought people would a considered me pretty fairauthority about my own unfitness for the office, but hang me if thecitizens of this county positively didn't go to the polls and elect meby about eight hundred majority. I was the worst disappointed of anyman you ever saw. I had repeaters around at the polls, too, voting forthe Democratic candidate, and I paid four of the judges to falsify thereturns, so as to elect him. But it was no use; the majority was toobig. And on election night the Republican executive committee cameround to serenade me, and as soon as the band struck up I opened onthem with a shot-gun and wounded the bass drummer in the leg. But theykept on playing; and after a while, when they stopped, they poked somecongratulatory resolutions under the front door, and gave me threecheers and went home. I was never so annoyed in my life.

  "Then they sent me round my certificate of election, but I refused toreceive it; and those fellows seized me and held me while Harry Hammerpushed the certificate into my coat-pocket, and then they all quit.The next day a man was run over on the railroad, and they wanted me totend to him. But I was angry, and I wouldn't. So what does the sheriffdo but come here with a gang of police and carry me out there byforce? And he hunted up a jury, which brought in a verdict. Then theywanted me to take the fees, but I wouldn't touch them. I said I wasn'tgoing to give my sanction to the proceedings. But of course it wasno use. I thought I was living in a free country, but I wasn't. Thesheriff drew the money and got a mandamus from the court, and he camehere one day while I was at dinner. When I said I wouldn't touch adollar of it, he drew a pistol and said if I didn't take the moneyhe'd blow my brains out. So what was a man to do? I resigned fifteentimes, but somehow those resignation
s were suppressed. I never heardfrom them. Well, sir, at last I yielded, and for three years I keptskirmishing around, perfectly disgusted, meditating over folks thathad died suddenly.

  FORCED TO DO DUTY]

  "And do you know that on toward the end of my term they had the faceto try to nominate me again? It's a positive fact. Those politicianswanted me to run again; said I was the most popular coroner the countyever had; said that everybody liked my way of handling a dead person,it was so full of feeling and sympathy, and a lot more like that. Butwhat did I do? I wasn't going to run any such risk again. So I went upto the city, and the day before the convention met I sent word downthat I was dead. Circulated a report that I'd been killed by fallingoff a ferry-boat. Then they hung the convention-hall in black andpassed resolutions of respect, and then they nominated Barney Maginn.

  "On the day after election I turned up, and you never saw men look somiserable, so cut to the heart, as those politicians. They said it wasan infamous shame to deceive them in that way, and they declared thatthey'd run me for sheriff at the next election to make up for it. Ifthey do, I'm going to move for good. I'm going to sail for Colorado,or some other decent place where they'll let a man alone. I'll die inmy tracks before I'll ever take another office in this county. I will,now mind me!"