Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot Read online

  CHAPTER XIII.

  _THE RACES, AND SOME OTHER THINGS_.

  There was some horse-racing over at the Blank course one day lastfall, and Butterwick attended to witness it. On his way home in thecars in the afternoon he encountered Rev. Dr. Dox, a clergyman whoknows no more about horse-racing than a Pawnee knows about psychology.Butterwick, however, took for granted, in his usual way, that thedoctor was familiar with the subject; and taking a seat beside him, heremarked loudly--for the doctor is deaf--

  "I was out at the Blank course to-day to see Longfellow."

  "Indeed! Was he there? Where did you say he was?"

  "Why, over here at the course. I saw him and General Harney, and alot more of 'em. He run against General Harney, and it created a bigexcitement, too; but he beat the general badly, and the way the crowdcheered him was wonderful. They say that a good deal of money changedhands. The fact is I had a small bet upon the general myself."

  "You don't mean to say that Longfellow actually _beat_ GeneralHarney?"

  "Yes, I do! Beat him the worst kind. You'd hardly've thought it, now,would you? I was never more surprised in my life. What's queer aboutit is that he seemed just as fresh afterward as before he commenced.Didn't faze him a bit. Why, instead of wanting to rest, he was jumpingabout just as lively; and when the crowd began to push around him, hekicked a boy in the back and doubled him all up--nearly killed him.Oh, he's wicked! I wouldn't trust him as far as I could see him."

  "This is simply astonishing," said the doctor. "I wouldn't havebelieved it possible. Are you _sure_ it was Longfellow, Mr.Butterwick?"

  "Why, certainly, of course; I've seen him often before. And afterbreathing a while, he and Maggie Mitchell came out, and as soon asthey stepped off he put on an extra spurt or two and led her by a neckall around the place, and she came in puffing and blowing, and nearlyexhausted. I never took much stock in her, anyway."

  "Led her by the neck! Why, this is the most scandalous conduct I everheard of. Mr. Butterwick, you must certainly be joking."

  "I pledge you my word it's the solemn truth. I saw it myself. Andafter that Judge Bullerton and General Harney, they took a turntogether, and that was the prettiest contest of the day. First thejudge'd beat the general, and then the general'd put in a big effortand give it to the judge, and the two'd be about even for a while, andall of a sudden the general would give a kinder jerk or two and leavethe judge just nowhere, and by the time the general passed the thirdquarter the judge keeled over against the fence and gave in. They sayhe broke his leg, but I don't know if that's so or not. Anyway he wasused up. If he'd passed that quarter, he might have been all right."

  "What was the matter with the quarter? Wasn't it good?"

  "Oh yes. But you see the judge must have lost his wind or something;and I reckon when he tumbled it was something like a faint, you know."

  "Served him right for engaging in such a brutal contest."

  "Well, I dunno. Depends on how you look at such things. And when thatwas over, Longfellow entered with Mattie Evelyn. He kept shooting pasther all the time, and this worried her so that she ran a little to oneside, and somehow, I dunno how it happened, but his leg tripped her,and she rolled over on the ground, hurt pretty bad, I think, whileLongfellow had his leg cut pretty near to the bone."

  "Did any of the shots strike her?"

  "I don't understand you."

  "You said he kept shooting past her, and I thought maybe some of thebullets might have struck her."

  "Why, I meant that he _ran_ past her, of course. How in the thundercould he shoot bullets at her?"

  "I thought maybe he had a gun. But I don't understand any of it. It isthe most astounding thing I ever heard of, at any rate."

  "Now, my dear sir, I want to ask you how Longfellow _could_ manage agun?"

  "Why, as any other man does, of course."

  "Man! man! Why, merciful Moses! you didn't think I was talking abouthuman beings all this time, did you? Why, Longfellow is a horse! Theywere racing--running races over at the course this afternoon; and Iwas trying to tell you about it."

  "You don't say?" remarked the doctor, with a sigh of relief. "Well, Ideclare, I thought you were speaking of the poet, and I hardly knewwhether to believe you or not; it seemed so strange that he shouldbehave in that manner."

  Then Mr. Butterwick went into the smoking-car to tell the joke to hisfriends, and the doctor sat reflecting upon the outrageous impudenceof the men who name their horses after respectable people.

  While he was thinking about it, another sensational occurrenceattracted his attention.

  A man sitting in the same car with the doctor had placed a bottle oftomato catsup neck downward in the rack above his seat. Presently afriend came in, and in a few moments the friend, who was cutting hisfinger-nails with a knife, introduced the subject of the races. Thediscussion gradually became warm, and as the excitement increased theman with the knife gesticulated violently with the hand containing theweapon while he explained his views. Meantime, the cork jolted out ofthe bottle overhead, and the catsup dripped down over the owner's headand coat and collar without his perceiving the fact.

  AN EXCITED OLD LADY]

  Soon a nervous old lady on the back seat caught sight of the redstain, and imagining it was blood, instantly began to scream "Murder!"at the top of her voice. As the passengers, conductor and brakemenrushed up she brandished her umbrella wildly and exclaimed,

  "Arrest that man there! Arrest that willin! I see him do it. I see himstab that other one with his knife until the blood spurted out. Oh,you wretch! Oh, you willinous rascal, to take human life in thatscandalous manner! I see you punch him with the knife, you butcher,you! and I'll swear it agin you in court, too, you owdacious rascal!"

  They took her into the rear car and soothed her, while the victimwiped the catsup off his coat. But that venerable old woman will godown to the silent grave with the conviction that she witnessed inthose cars one of the most awful and sanguinary encounters that hasoccurred since the affair between Cain and Abel.

  * * * * *

  Dr. Dox recently was called upon to settle a bet upon a much moreserious matter than a horse-race. During a religious controversybetween Peter Lamb and some of his friends one of the latter assertedthat Peter didn't know who was the mother-in-law of Moses, and that hecouldn't ascertain. Peter offered to bet that he could find out,and the wager was accepted. After searching in vain through theScriptures, Mr. Lamb concluded to go around and interview Deacon Jonesabout it. The deacon is head-man in the gas-office, and in the officethere are half a dozen small windows, behind which sit clerks toreceive money. Applying at one of these, Mr. Lamb said,

  "Is Deacon Jones in?"

  "What's your business?"

  "Why, I want to find out the name of Moses'--"

  "Don't know anything about it. Look in the directory;" and the clerkslammed the window shut.

  Then Peter went to the next window and said,

  "I want to see Mr. Jones a minute."

  "What for?"

  "I want to see if he knows Moses'--"

  "Moses who?"

  "Why, Moses, the Bible Moses--if he knows--"

  "Patriarchs don't belong in this department. Apply across the streetat the Christian Association rooms;" and then the clerk closed thewindow.

  At the next window Mr. Lamb said,

  "I want to see Deacon Jones a minute in reference to a matter aboutMoses."

  "Want to pay his gas-bill? What's the last name?"

  "Oh no. I mean the first Moses, the original one."

  "Anything the matter with his meter?"

  "You don't understand me. I refer to the Hebrew prophet. I want tosee--"

  "Well, you can't see him here. This is the gas-office. Try next door."

  At the adjoining window Mr. Lamb said,

  "Look here! I want to see Deacon Jones a minute about the prophetMoses, and I wish you'd tell him so."

  "No, I won't," replied the cler
k. "He's too busy to be botheredwith-anything of that kind."

  "But I must see him," said Peter; "I insist on seeing him. The fact ofthe matter is, I've got a bet about Moses'--"

  "Don't make any difference what you've got; you can't see him."

  "But I will. I want you to go and tell him I'm here, and that I wishfor some information respecting Moses. I'll have you discharged if youdon't go."

  "Don't care if you want to see him about all the children of Israel,and the Pharaohs and Nebuchadnezzars. I tell you you can't. Thatsettles it. Turn off your gas and quit."

  Then Peter resolved to give up the deacon and try Rev. Dr. Dox. Whenhe called at the parsonage, the doctor came down into the parlor.Because of the doctor's deafness there was a little misunderstandingwhen Peter said,

  "I called, doctor, to ascertain if you could tell me who was themother-in-law of Moses."

  "Well, really," said the doctor, "there isn't much preference. Somelike one kind of roses and some like another. A very good variety ofthe pink rose is the Duke of Cambridge; grows large, bears early andhas very fine perfume. The Hercules is also excellent, but you mustmanure it well and water it often."

  "I didn't ask about _roses_, but _Moses_. You make a mistake," shoutedPeter.

  "Oh, of course! by all means. Train them up to a stake if you want to.The wind don't blow them about so and they send out more shoots."

  "You misunderstand me," yelled Mr. Lamb. "I asked about Moses, notroses. I want to know who was the mother-in-law of Moses."

  "Oh yes; certainly. Excuse me; I thought you were inquiring aboutroses. The law of Moses was the foundation of the religion of theJews. You can find it in full in the Pentateuch. It is admirable--veryadmirable--for the purpose for which it was ordained. We, of course,have outlived that dispensation, but it still contains many thingsthat are useful to us, as, for instance, the--"

  "Was Moses married?" shrieked Mr. Lamb.

  "Married? Oh, yes; the name of his father-in-law, you know, wasJethro, and--"

  "Who was his wife?"

  "Why, she was the daughter of Jethro, of course. I said Jethro was hisfather-in-law."

  "No; Jethro's wife, I mean. I want to know to settle a bet."

  "No, that wasn't her name. 'Bet' is a corruption of Elizabeth, andthat name, I believe, is not found in the Old Testament. I don'tremember what the name of Moses' wife was."

  "I want to know what was the name of the mother-in-law of Moses, tosettle a bet."

  "Young man," said the old doctor, sternly, "you are trifling with aserious subject. What do you mean by wanting Moses to settle a bet?"

  Then Mr. Lamb rolled up a sheet of music that lay on the piano; andputting it to the doctor's ear, he shouted,

  "I made--a--bet--that--I--could--find--out--what--the--name--ofMoses'--mother-in-law--was. Can--you--tell--me?"

  "The Bible don't say," responded the doctor; "and unless you can get aspiritualist to put you in communication with Moses, I guess you willlose."

  Then Peter went around and handed over the stakes. Hereafter he willgamble on other than biblical games.

  * * * * *

  THE CAT SUCCUMBS]

  Mr. Lamb has an inquiring mind. He is always investigating something.He read somewhere the other day that two drops of the essential oilof tobacco placed upon the tongue of a cat would kill the animalinstantly. He did not believe it, and he concluded to try theexperiment to see if it was so. Old Squills, the druggist, has a catweighing about fifteen pounds, and Mr. Lamb, taking the animal intothe back room, shut the door, opened the cat's mouth, and applied thepoison. One moment later a wild, unearthly "M-e-e-e-e-ow-ow-ow!" wasemitted by the cat, and, to Mr. Lamb's intense alarm, the animal beganswishing around the room with hair on end and tail in convulsiveexcitement, screeching like a fog-whistle. Mr. Lamb is not certain,but he considers it a fair estimate to say that the cat made theentire circuit of the room, over chairs and under tables, seventy-fourtimes every minute, and he is willing to swear to seventy times,without counting the occasional diversions made by the brute for thepurpose of snatching at Mr. Lamb's pantaloons and hair. Just as Mr.Lamb had about made up his mind that the cat would conclude thegymnastic exercises by eating him, the animal dashed through the glasssash of the door into the shop, whisked two jars of licorice root andtooth-brushes off the counter, tore out the ipecac-bottle and fourjugs of hair-dye, smashed a bottle of "Balm of Peru," alighted onthe bonnet of a woman who was drinking soda-water, and after a fewconvulsions rolled over into a soap-box and died.

  Mr. Lamb is now satisfied that a cat actually can be killed in themanner aforementioned, but he would be better satisfied if old Squillsdidn't insist upon collecting from him the price of those drugs andthe glass sash.

  * * * * *

  Last summer Peter's brother spent a few weeks with him. He owned a"pistol cane," which he carried about with him loaded; but when hewent away, he accidentally left it behind, and without explaining toPeter that it was different from ordinary canes.

  So, one afternoon a few days later, Peter went out to Keyser's farm tolook at some stock, and he picked up the cane to take along with him.When he got to Keyser's, the latter went to the barnyard to showhim an extraordinary kind of a new pig that he had developed bycross-breeding.

  "Now that pig," said Keyser, "just lays over all the other pigs on theAtlantic Slope. Take him any way you please, he's the most gorgeouspig anywheres around. Fat! Why, he's all fat! There's no lean in him.He ain't anything but a solid mass of lard. Put that pig near a fire,and in twenty minutes his naked skeleton'd be standing there in apuddle of grease. That's a positive fact. Now, you just feel hisshoulder."

  Then Peter lifted up his cane and gave the pig a poke. He poked ittwo or three times, and he had just remarked, "That certainly is asplendid pig," when he gave it another poke, and then somehow thepistol in the cane went off and the pig rolled over and expired.

  HOW THE PIG WAS KILLED]

  "What in the mischief d'you do that for?" exclaimed Keyser, amazed andindignant.

  "Do it for? _I_ didn't do it! This cane must've been made out of anold gun-barrel with the load left in. I never had the least idea, Ipledge _you_ my word, that there was anything the matter with it."

  "That's pretty thin," said Keyser; "you had a grudge agin that pigbecause you couldn't scare up a pig like him, and you killed him onpurpose."

  "That's perfectly ridiculous."

  "Oh, maybe it is. You'll just fork over two hundred dollars for thatpiece of pork, if you please."

  "I'll see you in Egypt first."

  * * * * *

  Peter whipped; but if Keyser _did_ give in first, Peter went home witha bleeding nose, and the next day he was arrested for killing thepig. The case is coming up soon, and Peter's brother is on, ready totestify about that cane. Peter himself walks now with a hickory stick.